Ramblings of a Madman

Wrong Answer

2005-05-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

This joke got me laughing out loud while i was sitting in a packed computer lab at uni. What do you think?
The right age.

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile on his face.

His mom asks him, “Why was he so happy?”

Jack replies, "I just had sex today!"

Well this does not sit well with mom, she immediately begins shouting at Jack, telling him at 14 he has no business having sex! She tells him to go to his room and to wait for his dad to come home. When dad finally arrives, mom fills him in. She asks him to go upstairs and to have a chat with Jack.

He knocks on the door and proceeds to go in.

"Hey Jack, your mom tells me you had sex today?"

"Yes," replies Jack sadly.

Dad looks around the room and whispers to him, "Hey, way to go, son! Your Dad is very, very proud. But if your mom asks what we talked about just tell her it was guy stuff."

The next day, dad shares the news with all his coworkers, bragging that at the age of 14 his son is a man!

When dad goes home that night, he kisses his wife and runs straight upstairs to see Jack. "Hey Jack! Did you have sex today again, son?"

Jack replies "No dad...my ass still hurts from yesterday."

Younger Sister

2005-05-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

As 'borrowed' from another site...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decidedto get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friendsencouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only onething bothering me.That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tightminiskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down whennear me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check thewedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desiresfor me that she could not overcome and did not really want toovercome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just oncebefore I got married and committed my life to her sister.I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to goahead with it just come up and get me."I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up thestairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties andthrew them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, thenturned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door andstepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes,he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed ourlittle test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....Always keep your condoms in your car

Beware of what you say. . .

2005-04-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

I found this randomly on the net.... it's worth a read if you've got the time.

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???

This happened at The University of Western Ontario last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen, which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?""That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

2005-04-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Does Cowboy Dan really exist? Or is he a figment of boyd's imagination?

2005-04-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Ralf wins!!!

People with cable or dedicated dial-upers

2005-04-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Saved by your balls

Everyone has watched 'saved by the bell' at one or more time in their life. The show about Zack, Screech and kellie ka-pow-chicka-pow-pow-ski. Well now you can play it online but there is a twist.

You have to make $1000 bucks by doing sexual favors. lol. God Bless the Internet
http://www.collegehumor.com/?game_id=saved%20by%20your%20balls

5 Levels of a hangover

2005-04-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

One Star Hangover (*)No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relativelywell. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and stillfeel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but youhave the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging isonly increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the kabab from the 3:00 AM huger excursion. There is some definitehavoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds youof the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Dr Phil reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teasand a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or elseyou might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, butthat can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoyingthe employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in thecorners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Anyattempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....THINGS THAT ARE

DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity, British, Constitution, Passive-aggressive disorder, Loquacious, Transubstantiate,

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
Please stop sucking my face! (Added by Ralf)

Theme answer

2005-04-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

Greetings,
i never actually got around to thinking of a theme answer, so i am going with boyd's 'ham'.
Pnye gets an honourable mention and grant gets the 'try harder award'.

On a surpising note.

If you take the 4th letter of the 1st Joke (not including the title)
and the 4th letter of the 2nd Joke (not including the title)
and the 4th letter of the 3rd Joke (not including the title)

IT SPELLS HAM! is that davinci codeish or what?

Tell me the linking theme and get a prize*

2005-03-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

*(There is no prize)

Joke 1
So there's these two dudes at a bar.. man its the weekend and what not so these 2 dudes are gettin loose and havin a good time right..well like..this drunk just stumbles through the door all random-like and points down one of the guys.."YOU! I just f*ed your mom!" ...everyones like WHOAAA MAN!! Thinkin theres gonna be a brawl and stuff..but the dude is just like..ye whatever man..so the drunk is a little disappointed and leaves..bout an hour later the drunk comes back..points the same guy out "YOU!! i just f*ed your mom in the a*!!!" everyones like..OOOH..but the guy is just like..ye whatever man screw you..So the drunk leaves..comes back in a half hour this time..points this same guy down.."YOU!!...." but the guy stops him right there.."Dad..you're drunk..go home..."

Joke 2
Aft(a)er a Beer festival, the Brewery Presidents went out together to get a beer. The guy from corona says "Get me the best beer in the world, a corona." The guy from Budweiser says, "Get me the best beer in the world, the king of all beer, a budweiser." The guy from Coors says, "Get me the best beer in world, made with mountain spring water from the Rockies, get me a coors." The guy from LaBatt Blue says "Get me the best beer in the world, ay, a LaBatt Blue don'cha know." The guy from Guiness then says, "Get me a coke." Taken aback the members from the brewery club asked "Why aren't you getting a guinness?"The Guinness president replied, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Joke 3
Larhry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Pretty dam funny

2005-03-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

Bus of Ugly People
One day, a bus full of horrendously ugly people was accidentally driven of a cliff. Everyone died. In heaven, God yelled to them "I realize you have been shunned by society when you were alive, so I will grant each of you one wish!". The ugly people formed a big plan at the Pearly Gates, each of them making a wish: to be pretty and handsome and suave. One guy at the back started laughing. It started as a chuckle but began increasing as the line progressed. When it was his turn, he was about to fall on the floor. When he finally got a breath out, he laughed " make 'em all ugly again!"

Think Ugly

2005-03-15T03:36:00.000-08:00

Greatest Drunken Quote of all Time
This is the best being drunk quote of all time! Good old Winston.

"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." -Winston Churchill

Ugly Baby
A woman goes on a bus, the bus driver looks at the woman and says, "Man thats one ugly baby." The woman looks at the bus driver and says, "How dare you say somehting like that to me?" She goes to the back of the bus, and the lady says to a man, "I'm gonna go up there and give that bus driver a peice of my mind."
The man says "OK, let me hold your monkey."

For the beer drinker

2005-03-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

The Buffalo Theory (BEER Theory)
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Update

2005-03-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

Here is some more content... to tide you over until i have finished my memoirs for last week...

Seven Reasons To Go To Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. I'd love to chip in, buy I left my wallet in my pants.
3. You want to see if it's like the dream.
4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
5. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
6. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
7. No one steals your chair.

Drunk Driving
A guy goes out drinking one night, and gets pulled over on the drive home. The officer asks. "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" The man responds, "Nope, you hop in, just push those bottles over."

Turtle Joke
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener''I didn't bring it' says Roy.' I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'. Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses saying - 'You'll eat all the sandwiches!'After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they and are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts....

'I KNEW IT.....................I'M NOT FUCKING GOING.'

Pick-up Line
A young confident man walks up to the bar and sits next to an attractive women. He says to her "you may not know this but we are going to have sex tonight." She replies "no we wont." He then says, "I told you that you didnt know."
Business Parables
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They'repacked with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Parable Number 3:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.! " The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Lack of original content

2005-02-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

I have been a very lazy man of late and have not been bothered to add any of my own content. This has been due to lazyness, slackness and nothing has happened to me that is particularly interesting but next week there should be alot of random stuff happening in the life of ralf, so i will get back to you. Till then... enjoy the 'borrowed' content.

Stolen Content

2005-02-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

Gangster Nickname or Ridiculous Sex Act

1) Dirty Sanchez
2) The Barber
3) Neopolitan Swirl
4) Cleavland Steamer
5) The Brick Moron
6) The Blonde Alibi
7) Buckshot
8) Skeet
9) Hot Carl
10) Fat Charley
11) Buster
12) Butterfingers
13) The Hawk
14) Hymie
15) Ragtime
16) Snowball
17) Three fingered

Answers
1-Sex Act2-Gangster3-Sex Act4-Sex Act5-Gangster6-Gangster7-Gangster8-Sex Act9-Sex Act10-Gangster11-Gangster12-Gangster13-Gangster14-Gangster15-Gangster16-Sex Act17-Gangster

Top quality advice from a male

2005-02-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

I found this on the net. I think it's tops
(Me being the lazy guy that i am posted this, instead of original ralf content)

An advice column from Devo
Dear Devo,My boyfriend and I have been living together for seven months. Recently, helearned he would be deploying with the military in March. I want him topropose when he is ready, but his references to marriage almost feel like atease now. Do I tell him what I am feeling... that I would love to further solidify our relationship with an engagement before he leaves?

DEVO: When a problem comes along, you must whip it.

Dear Devo,I have been a single mom for eight years and really feel ready to move onwith my life. I am 41 years old and have been dating a man for four months.After a lot of thinking, I have come to realize that I really love him. Somy question is - is it okay to tell him I love him first? How are men withthat?

DEVO: When something's going wrong, you must whip it.

Dear Devo,I recently met someone through a friend who is awesome in every way, except the sex is not great. I definately could see myself with him for years to come and I thought maybe the sex would get better as we got to know each other more. I have told him subtly things that I like and have mentioned that we don't have sex that often, but he seems to think everything is fine. It is really not good. Any suggestions?

DEVO: Now whip it. Into shape. It's not too late. To whip it. Whip it good.I say whip it. Whip it good.

For a quick laugh

2005-02-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

Found this on the net... My personal favorite is swamp donkey

New Oxford Dictionary definitions!! ========================

GOING FOR A McSHIT...
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog.
If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE....
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS....
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT....
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am in the morning.

BEER COMPASS....
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC.....
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL....
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS.....
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"

GREYHOUND....
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.....
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.....
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when >viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH......
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS...........
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI........
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA....... Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR.........
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM..........
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER..........
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY......
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL.........
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Scroll Down

2005-02-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

I being a newbie to this web thing, can't do diddle... when it comes to code but scroll down to the bottom of my page and have a look.

Work

2005-02-08T17:57:00.000-08:00

My work is hot, boring and caters to morons…..(see previous comments about bellmere-ians). I still work at the same convenience store that I have worked at since school and I am quite frankly sick of it.
A couple of weeks ago I hatched a plan to get out of bellmere and as far away from these people as possible. I called it operation ‘serenity now!’

Heres the stats

Resumes handed out – 12 ( I have been rather slacky and kinda picky to where I handed it out)
Phone calls received – 2
Group interviews attended – 2

Current status – well I have been offered a short term reprieve from the shop by student services aus. My job will be to hand out and inform student at QUT O-week of the new ‘Milk in a Can’!

Sounds great no?? Basically its coffee flavoured milk with guarana. I like to think of it as milky on drugs. I am pretty sure it will be a lemon of a product, but I’ll have to try it and get back to you. I may even acquire some and give it to you folks.

I have also applied to colesmyer to work primarily in a liquorland or something to that effect. I broadened my intent at my interview when I said ‘I’d honestly be happy to work anywhere…. (just so long as morons can’t find me). Colesmyer is a huge company with many organisations within it. I received an email from them today and it said I have advanced to final recruitment selection (where they contact actual stores and set up an interview for me, so that sounds good).

Anyway, I must once more go to work… in the land of the idiot and home of the inbred

Tv corner

2005-02-03T04:21:00.000-08:00

American queer eye say Australian queer eye are a bunch of fags! ha hah hah... i crack myself up.

On the road again...

2005-02-01T18:43:00.000-08:00

Things that i have noticed over the last week, prodomantely in the car

Point 1) Tailgating is in general...bad. It annoys the crap out of people and is usually done by moronic shaved moneky ape men... but i have now come to believe that it is indeed a valid form of communication, for one to express him or herself in the right situation...

That is tailgating is completely justified only when the person driving the car infront is an ass!

For example...
Doing 75 in a 100 zone. Tailgating, honking, highbeams are in my opinion acceptable. If a moron can't master the use of their accelerator, see the big old speed signs or car is too crap to go that fast, then they should not be on the road in the first case. Therefore a little encouragement for them to leave the road, surely isn't a bad thing.

That said, if a person is doing the speed limit, then tailgating should not occur as it is perfectly acceptable. This is also true for reduced speed due to weather and such other considerations.

Point 2) Only knobs gawk at minor raod accidents! When travelling along a highway where the speed is 110 and then suddenly the traffic slows down to 45 ... then to about 10... with the only reason being a fender bender off to the side of the road is un-bloody-acceptable. I mean... who gives a crap? If it was a semitrailor that smoshed afew cars off a bridge or whatever then gawking may indeed be acceptable but a fender bender!

To quote a tennis playing moron 'Come on!'

Camping

2005-02-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

Have been away for a week of camping and the like…. Due to privacy considerations, only the following photo is acceptable to be released at this stage.

[Photo available to public *Camping 2005]

This is the previously mentioned 'white fence'

2005-02-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

It has been over a week now, and yet no spray paint... I wonder if my earlier view was abit pessimistic? We shall just have to wait and see...

Pepsi Max is the best drink ever invented

2005-01-22T03:03:00.000-08:00

Pepsi Max, maximum taste no sugar, cola drink

I love pepsi max. Yes you heard me! I even prefer it over coke. I am not strange, or alone. There are a growing number of us who favour this highly caffeinated, low sugar drink. It ‘shits’ all over coke!*

*When drunk alone, not mixed etc
http://www.pepsi.co.uk/max/breakout/breakout.html (awesome pepsi max related game)

Also,
People from Bellmere eat their own children… yes really! Okay, maybe not but they should! It would be a favour to the world.

Bellmere people smell, can’t count, smoke too much, can’t master the use of footwear or even thongs. They hardly wear shirts or singlets… did I mention they smell?

Yes, people from bellmere are bogans. It could be linked to the fact they drink too much coke.

I think a large proportion of the earth’s populace are stupid morons…

2005-01-20T05:53:00.000-08:00

There are a small proportion of the earth’s populace that are not stupid morons. These people need to inform the proportion of the earth’s populace that are stupid morons how to use contraception so that their moronic seed will not destroy humanity.

My neighbours are morons… they have 6 commodores in their yard, and now have taken to riding a motorbike around and around their quarter of an acre… I look forward to the day they face plant or meet my friend… Mr rusty barbwire fence.

The new estate across the road from me is sure to be a moronic breeding pool. Today the stupid lazy builders decided to paint the outer perimeter fence white… yep basically there is now a big white wall across the road from me. I wonder how long it will take for it to be spray painted. I give it a week at the most. And if no one has spray painted it by then, it is probably due to the fact that all the spray cans in Morayfield are being used for other purposes. Most probably as deodorant or being sniffed.

I have already hinted on it but the greater population of Morayfield and Caboolture are also stupid morons. Today while driving home I saw yet another commodore drive straight through a red light, narrowly avoiding some other shitbox car. I also have seen a 4wd drive across a main road medium strip near kfc… when about 20 metres ahead they could have just done a U-turn. I think I would prefer living with apes…

Birth of a Blog

2005-01-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

At 12.11pm on Jan 19th 2005, purely for no other reason then to fill in time, i have created a blog. I am in doubt if i will post frequently, infrequently or ever again.. but hey, you never know

Filler

2005-01-18T18:40:00.000-08:00

This is funnier after afew beers...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected;

a 600ml milk, a carton of eggs,
a litre of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 250g can of coffee,
and a 375g package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

...

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Filler (with a vengeance)

2005-01-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

More stolen stuff... some actually is rather funny

ACTUAL Police Quotes:"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after youwear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it willhelp. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again orI'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but nowwe're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolleddown his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kidreplied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finallystopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked andwalked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him.What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" "I'm going to a lecture," the mansaid. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "Mywife," answered the man.

Filler

2005-01-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

In order to make my blog look less blank i have embarked on stealing stuff from basically everywhere...

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on theshoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and goback for more.
Ask if you can push the button for the other people, but push thewrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if theyknow what floor your on.
Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, thenscream, "That's mine!"
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Bring your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone getson, ask them if they hear ticking.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "it's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
Swat at flies that don't exist
Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it and giveeveryone a hug.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead andmuttering, "Shut up all of you just shut up!"
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facingthe wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announcein horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, " i have new underwear on'

Ramblings of a Madman

Wrong Answer

Younger Sister

Beware of what you say. . .

People with cable or dedicated dial-upers

5 Levels of a hangover

Theme answer

Tell me the linking theme and get a prize*

Pretty dam funny

Think Ugly

For the beer drinker

Update

Lack of original content

Stolen Content

More stolen content...

Top quality advice from a male

For a quick laugh

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Work

Tv corner

On the road again...

Camping

This is the previously mentioned 'white fence'

Pepsi Max is the best drink ever invented

I think a large proportion of the earth’s populace are stupid morons…

Birth of a Blog

Filler

Filler (with a vengeance)

Filler